I am not feeling as good this week as I did last week, which is discouraging and a little worrisome. My ailments are too various and boring to list, but suffice it to say that I don't feel great. Grace and my parents have been great, as usual, taking care of Miles and Seth as well as me.
It was nice here this morning, sunny and warmer. I made myself get up and play basketball at the university, which was good even though I played terribly (no lift in my legs, almost every shot short, etc.).
I have felt a lot of love and support lately. I feel like it's always been there, but since I've been sick it's been condensed and accelerated. Although the experience of being sick has been horrible, I have seen so much goodness in people. So many people have gone out of their way to be nice to me - more than I could list.
As I've said before, I'm not worried about being gone for my own sake - I won't be around to care - although I am worried about the process of getting there. Most people in our culture know so little about dying - it has become disconnected from normal life, hidden behind a medical veil. I still feel like I don't really know what to expect. If my experience helps anyone else understand dying better, I think that would be worthwhile. Of course there are many ways to go. I can't really recommend the long slow way I'm going, although I suppose they all have their downsides.
I am most concerned about my sons. Especially Seth, honestly, because Miles is a little too young to understand what's going on. The best present any of you could give me is to be there for them, both during and after this process. I know you will be. I just wish I could be too.
Ethan
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