I felt a little better today than yesterday. I hope that I will feel a little better tomorrow than today. I am trying to crawl out of the pit of despair. The amazing expressions of love and support that I have received have helped - thank you.
I heard today from the last clinical trial that I was considering and I am not eligible. So I am not looking at clinical trials anymore. I am OK with that - I wasn't sure I was willing to travel somewhere else for an experimental treatment, the treatment regimens are often quite grueling, and they usually don't help anyway.
I also don't want to do any more chemo. I know I've said that before, but this time I mean it! This last round was the last straw. I've been seeing a therapist who specializes in cancer and terminal illness. I saw her today and she made me feel better by telling me that, based on what she has learned, nobody really understands chemo fatigue unless they've experienced it. It's not like normal fatigue. It's not the same as depression. People, including myself, often think that one should be able to power through fatigue through willpower, positive thinking, etc. I know I sometimes feel like a whiny fraud because I can't explain why I feel so bad, even though I'm not in great physical pain. Her basic message was that I should give myself a break.
So my options are narrowing, but that's OK. I can focus now on trying to maximize my quality of life, managing my pain symptoms, and just trying to enjoy life as long as possible.
Ethan
E-Man,
ReplyDeleteI love you. I love you. I love you. I wish I could somehow pour my love into your body and heal you. Instead I'm typing comments from too far away, trying to keep the tears from shorting out my keyboard. Jonathan and I are thinking about you every moment.
-Sarah
Ethan -
ReplyDeleteSo glad you are feeling a bit better when you wrote your most recent post. I hope when you read this note, things will have improved even more. Top O The Morning to YOU! :-)
We're having a sunny, springy day in Minn - it's 40 degrees!!!! As a Mainer, you know about the long, slow melt from Winter into Spring... Takes weeks - months, even - but the rewards are great. When Abby and I drove by Lake Harriet this morning, she and I noted with great delight that there are now pools of water shining on top of that thick ice. One day soon we'll see some ripples and waves and know spring has arrived.
Wishing you a sun-shiny day with your loves.
Claudia
Ethan, I'm so glad that you're feeling better today. Yesterday's post was the hardest one to read so far, and I'm sure it was hard to write. Thank you for all of of these posts, whether happy, sad, hopeful, angry (have any of your posts been angry? I can't remember now. Maybe not. But I'm angry for you. F*%king Cancer!)
ReplyDeleteI hope tomorrow is better than today.
Hi Ethan,
ReplyDeleteI've been following your blog and find you truly inspirational. Thank you for sharing your blog and making a difference in my life (and I'm certain the lives of others).
With love and warmth,
Jen
One of the things I like best about your blog is hearing about normal little stuff like an hour on the beach, what your kids are doing, what books you're reading, or what your family made for supper. What you are pointing out to people, always implicitly, never as a lesson, is THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS.
ReplyDeleteI remember a conversation from a caregiver support group where we talked about how, if you find out you have a year to live, what are you going to do with that time? My first thought, for example, has always been, quick, go see Machu Picchu! My friend and her family went on a vacation that they all knew would be her husband's last. And she told about how she kept trying to make it super special and plan all this elaborate stuff, and what he wanted to do was sit on the porch with her and the kids and watch the sun set. It takes too long for most people to see that 1) maybe better see Machu Picchu now, if that's what you really want, and 2) what it's really all about is your kid's basketball game and pruning the fruit trees and making supper.
And it sucks that you get to be the one teaching us all this lesson. But at least you are doing what you want to do in the time that you have. Lots of people don't ever do that. I respect you and honor your process, and it is still so weird to love people you've never met and never will, and know only through language, but it's happened to me a lot in the last few years. So. Love to you all, Carrie
I have been reading all of this with an ache in my gut. Your writing makes me think of "Do not go gentle into the dark night". The quote may be inaccurate but I am thinking that you haven't - and yet you are - all at the same time. I've been thinking of my mother who also had cancer and died years ago. I am remembering how hard she fought it, and how much she wanted to live. We have only met on a few occasions at your folks house on the island. I am not someone you would know except as Richard Lauck's significant other, but I now feel that I know you. And although the reason that has allowed me this opportunity is not what I would have wished, there is great feeling and tenderness in the knowing. I send you and your family all my love - Nancy
ReplyDeleteHey e. Sending u awesome march madness love. Feeling so lucky to be sharing tourney with u, to be your friend, and to have this incredible window into your life. Thanks. Go heels. XXOO. Lindsay
ReplyDelete