I don't feel worthy of all the super-kind and eloquent comments and messages that I have received, but thanks! It reminds me of something my dad said before he left. I don't remember his exact words, but the gist was: if love could heal you, you would be healed. I feel lucky to know so many good people. I just wish I had more time and energy - there are so many people with whom I would like to spend more time.
The past few days have not been great - lazy, low-energy days. I'm not in any great discomfort, just really tired all the time. I sleep most of the day, then most of the night, but I never really feel rested. I'm trying to take my therapist's advice and not stress about it too much. But I'm not sure whether it's better to relax and wait for energy to come or to try to make energy by forcing myself to be active even when I don't feel like it.
So here is what I hope happens next. The chemo fatigue lifts. That often takes 3-4 weeks, and I'm still in my second week after chemo (it seems like longer). The bone pain stays under control. The radiopharmaceutical treatment (the Samarium-153 or "Quadramet" that Grace mentioned) that we are investigating could help with the bone pain. I am able to teach my course that starts March 29. I am able to do the associate chair duties for the psychology department during the spring quarter. (I was going to serve as the associate chair during this past academic year, and I was really looking forward to working with our chair and my friend Larry Symons.) I am able to help Grace, Lynn, and my mom with taking care of Miles and Seth. We'll see. It's possible.
Kristi and Mark had Grace, Miles, and me (my mom went to yoga) over last night for dinner and to watch the Washington-Georgia basketball game, which Washington won in a close, hard-fought game. Yay! Go Huskies! Thanks Kristi and Mark! Washington plays basketball powerhouse North Carolina (my friend Lindsay's alma mater) tomorrow in what should be an entertaining game if the Huskies can keep it close.
This morning was Swedish pancake breakfast at the Sons of Norway Hall. At our table were Grace, Miles, Lynn, Seth, my mom, me, and our neighbors and friends Gene and Jane. At another table were our friends John and Julie, their baby Xavier, son Callum, and some of John's family, as well as our friend Troy. Afterward Gene, Jane, my mom, and Seth went to an estate sale, where my mom and Seth bought some fossils and ancient Roman artifacts, which they are currently researching on the Internet and cataloguing.
Ethan
One of the hardest things for me, ever, was to hear my daughter say to a counselor when her dad started hospice, "It just doesn't seem right that so many people want so badly for him to stay here, and it doesn't make one bit of difference." She was 18, nearly an adult. It seems so easy to concede that yes we are mortal until it turns out, yes, we are mortal. All these lessons are so hard. So much is so not fair about all of this, and it does not make one bit of difference. Damn it. A million times dammit.
ReplyDelete"If love could heal you, you would be healed." Beautiful.
I hope for exactly what you hope happens next.
Carrie