A dream

Monday night I had a dream that felt significant. I bought a big beautiful house in the Mission District of San Francisco. The house was previously owned by the Red Hot Chili Peppers and it was great for entertaining - big open kitchen/dining area, big roof deck, etc. In the dream, I was single and childless. I invited over a bunch of friends - Eric & Meredith, Jonathan & Sarah, etc. Everyone loved the house and we had a good time, but then everyone had to go home. Last to leave was Eric. We biked together to the station where he was catching a train or bus. (In the dream I had a really nice mountain bike - where all this material wealth came from was unexplained.) As I turned to head home, I realized with a wave of sadness that I was returning to an empty house and that I would be alone.

At that moment I woke up from the dream. I still felt the sadness, but as I realized where I really was (bed, Bellingham, near Grace), the sadness was swept away by relief and happiness. So I guess I would rather be dying of cancer in Bellingham and with Grace than a playboy bachelor in San Francisco but without Grace. Pretty high praise for Grace from my subconscious!

On a related note, when Grace and my mom took me to the appointment with Dr. Whiting in Seattle on Monday (and they did take me, rather than go with me, as I was semi-comatose), I had a thought that I must have done something right sometime to earn the support of these two strong beautiful women - similar in some ways, different in others, thrown together through caring for me. Well, I guess a mother's love doesn't have to be earned, just not squandered. But Grace had a choice and chose me, for which I will be forever grateful. Although I also feel guilty, like she chose the lemon on the lot, although nobody could have foreseen my health problems. But she did get a beautiful child out of the deal - he is smart and funny and sweet and extra-cute with his new haircut.

Ethan