Sadness

It has not been a fun few days. I have had a constant stomachache, which makes it hard to enjoy anything. Combined with the constant fatigue, low-level bone pain, numbness in my feet, bloody nose, etc., it's getting me pretty down. It's amazing how quickly things can change. One week ago, last Tuesday, the day before chemo, I felt pretty good. I played basketball and was making plans for months away. Now I'm struggling to get out of bed and starting to fantasize about stopping treatment and letting things take their course. Chemotherapy is disgusting. Over the past couple days I read the book "Dying well: The prospect for growth at the end of life" by Ira Byock, president of the American Academy of Hospice and Palliative Medicine. I'm not sure that helped my mood any. One of the themes of the book is making peace and letting go when your time comes. I'm not there yet. I'm not at peace with dying now. I don't feel like this is the right time for me. It's certainly not the right time for my kids. It makes me really sad.

Another of the book's themes is the importance of repairing relationships and offering and accepting forgiveness for past wrongs. Fortunately I don't feel like that applies much to me. I'm not estranged from any family or friends. Quite the opposite - I feel wonderfully supported by my family and friends.

Another theme is the importance of accepting care from others without feeling like that is degrading or undignified. I struggle with that. I don't want to be a burden to my loved ones, even though I know they want to care for me. It's helpful to remember that I would want to care for them if the positions were reversed.

Yesterday it rained all day, which also didn't help my mood. I basically rested during the day, trying to store up energy for having Seth in the afternoon and evening. We had basketball practice at the YMCA, which was fun even though I wasn't feeling well. We have a good group of kids, many of the same kids from last year's team. I like working with kids, which is one reason I went into developmental psychology. And I like teaching and seeing the kids start to understand and use the things we are trying to teach them. It makes me realize how much I miss my professional role as a teacher. And I love to watch Seth run and play and have fun.

After practice Seth and I met Grace and Miles for dinner at La Fiamma Wood Fire Pizza. Grace and I shared our favorite pizza - the Sofia (prosciutto, rosemary, red onion). Afterward I dropped off Seth with Lynn and then went straight to bed for 12 hours.

Today I rested and read in the morning. In the afternoon I made myself get up, go outside, and finish pruning the fruit trees. It was warm and overcast, although the sun peeked through the clouds occasionally. The grass has started growing. Will I have to mow in January?

After finishing the pruning and returning Gene's orchard ladder (thanks Gene!), I decided to take my favorite walk around the boardwalk. The clouds were clearing, the sun was low in the sky, and it was really pretty. However, I was overcome with a wave of sadness. Tears were streaming down my face and my body was shaking with sobs. I averted my face as I passed people because I didn't want them to see my red splotchy face and runny nose. I walked down to the little floating dock (where Andy Bunn once picked me up in his sailboat on a happy summer day) and sat at the edge. The way the water rippled in the light, the cry of the seagulls, and the slight rocking motion reminded me of Maine. Sometimes when I think about the fact that I may never see Maine again it makes me so sad that my chest hurts and I can barely breathe. At that moment, however, thinking about Maine calmed me down. I closed my eyes and felt the light breeze on my face. I opened my eyes and dipped my fingers in the water. I thought about the fact that all the world's oceans are connected, and so in a way I was touching the water in Maine.

Ethan