My not-so-good day

I read someone else's blog the other day that provided a lot more insight into that person's state of mind than I think mine does. In this blog (and in my journals), I tend to be more objective, just reporting "what I did today." I haven't talked much about my emotional state, because frankly it's not always positive, and I don't want to be whiny or complain ("oh, poor me!"). I also hate to be negative because I feel it's disrespectful and potentially discouraging to the people around me who are working so hard to support me - I owe it to them (and especially to my kids) not to wallow in self-pity.

However, in the interests of honesty (and perhaps seeking some sympathy - I'm not above that), I'll talk about how I was feeling today, which was not good. The cool rainy weather here didn't help. I was hoping to finish trimming the hedge and/or play basketball, but I didn't end up doing either.

I am having trouble accepting that my life is not going to go back to the way it was before I got sick. It's a cliche, but I do sometimes feel like this is a bad dream, or a bad movie, or some sort of thing that is going to end and then things will return to normal. But they are not going to, and I am not happy about that. I liked my old life a lot, and I do not like this new life nearly as much.

I also struggle also with the fact that this situation is not under my control. Other challenges in my life I have been able to overcome with effort. But no matter how hard I try, I can't make this problem go away. I don't want to be sick, but I don't have a choice. I don't want to think of myself as a sick person, nor do I want others (again, especially my kids) to think of me that way, but it's the truth. I want others to just treat me normally, and yet often I need help.

I feel like I'm reconstructing my life, or rather constructing a new one. I can't remember how my old life used to go. How did I get up in the morning? What did I used to do with my day? I feel like there are not nearly enough hours in the day anymore. There are so many things that I want to do, but the time slips by so quickly. Simple things like bathing and eating seem to take forever, perhaps because they take more effort than before. How did I used to work full-time, help take care of the kids, cook, read books, watch movies, keep track of the news and sports, etc.?

Speaking of the news, I feel so out of touch these days. Things outside my immediate life often seem abstract and irrelevant. Plus the news is so often depressing - wars, disasters, economic downturns, people being cruel to each other, etc. I know people often complain about the news focusing on the negative, but I feel it now more than before.

However, the negativity in the news can be contrasted with what I see in my immediate life, which is people being good to each other, and to me. One silver lining of my health situation is that it has exposed the kindness and generosity of the people around me. Grace, my mom, my family and friends in Bellingham and those who have visited from far away, my neighbors - everyone has stepped up and helped out. Not to get all kumbaya, but if only everyone around the world could show that spirit all the time!

Ethan