I woke up last night but I was still dreaming. In reality I was sleeping in the guest bedroom, but in my dream I was sleeping on the futon in the play room when I woke up and saw Grace sitting at the other end of the futon, looking at me with a beautiful warm smile. I smiled myself and felt filled with warmth and happiness. Then I woke up for real, in the guest bedroom, but I was still smiling and I could still feel the warmth, like a stone that's been in the sun all day.
I'm worried that the pain is increasing faster than our ability to catch up to it, much less stay ahead of it. Last Tuesday, we switched from the painkiller combo of fentanyl, methadone, and oxycodone, which wasn't working well, to Dilaudid (hydromorphone) delivered by a pump (an annoying little gadget that I have to carry around) subcutaneously (through a tube and a needle stuck into my belly). Hospice calculated the dose of Dilaudid equivalent to my combined doses of the previous painkiller combo (lots of guesstimation required) and set the pump initially to deliver a continuous rate of .9 mg per hour, with demand doses of .5 mg available by pressing a button. We've had to increase that almost every day, so that now the continuous rate is 5.0 mg per hour and the demand doses are 2.5 mg each (limited to one every 10 minutes). The point being, we've increased my dosage a lot and I am still in a lot of pain.
Tomorrow one of the hospice nurses is coming over to switch me from subcutaneous delivery to intravenous through the port in my chest. We're hoping that will be more effective.
Sports update:
Basketball: The Celtics were knocked out of the NBA playoffs by the Miami Heat. I was disappointed but not that disappointed because the Celtics haven't looked championship-caliber since mid-season. They gambled by signing Shaq and trading away Kendrick Perkins. Shaq was fun for a while, until his inevitable injuries (350+ pounds, 39 years old). Maybe they should have just kept him in the gym until the playoffs. If the Celtics had re-signed Tony Allen (dubbed "Trick or Treat" Tony by Bill Simmons for his inconsistent play for the Celtics) and if Allen had developed like he did this year in Memphis, then maybe they wouldn't have felt the need to trade Perkins to get Jeff Green. If, if, if... The truth is, even the most deluded Celtics fans like me should admit that the window for winning championships with this core of players has closed. Now they have the unenviable choice of keeping this core of players and watching them gradually deteriorate, or blowing this team up, rebuilding around Rondo and Green, and hoping to get lucky in the draft.
Of the four teams left (Chicago Bulls, Miami Heat, Dallas Mavericks, Oklahoma City Thunder [formerly the Seattle SuperSonics]), I'm not sure who I am rooting for. My (temporary) allegiance is available for a small fee or even just a good argument.
Bulls: Derrick Rose is fun to watch but Joakim Noah is painfully annoying. They do have ex-Celtics Brian Scalabrine and Tom Thibodeau (coach).
Heat: Dwyane Wade is one of my favorite players to watch, but I can't root for the Heat, especially after they beat the Celtics. They do have ex-Celtic Eddie House.
Mavericks: I've never liked Dallas (the city or the team), but they might be my favorite of these four! I like the way they're playing. Dirk has been fun to watch. And they have Jason Kidd, a Bay Area boy from back in the day (and source of one of Grace's favorite sports quotes - after leaving Cal, Grace's alma mater, and being drafted by the Mavericks: "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees!").
Thunder: I don't like the city (not that I've ever been there, but I can just tell), especially after they stole Seattle's team. They have a bunch of exciting young players. I like Serge Ibaka, especially his name (Bill Simmons: "he sounds like the villain in a James Bond flick"). Actually, looking over their roster, they've got some cool names: Thabo Sefolosha, Royal Ivey. I still resent James Harden for not trying at all during his only NCAA tournament appearance (only 9 and 10 points in two games despite being the most talented player on the floor) and thereby damaging my bracket that year. They have ex-Celtic Kendrick Perkins (I refuse to consider Nate Robinson an ex-Celtic).
Baseball: after poor starts, the World Champion San Francisco Giants and the Boston Red Sox have both recovered, with the Giants in first place in the NL West and the Red Sox blowing a chance to take the lead in the AL East tonight. Seth and I watched the last couple innings of Tim Lincecum's 3-hit shutout tonight. Giants third baseman Pablo "Kung Fu Panda" Sandoval lost weight in the offseason and was hitting great before breaking a bone in his hand (should be out 2-3 more weeks). Boston's offseason signing of first baseman Adrian Gonzalez has paid off so far (leads the league in hits and RBI), although their signing of outfielder Carl Crawford has not (.213 average), and last year's big signee, starting pitcher John Lackey, was ineffective before getting injured. Overall, I like the Giants' chances better, although their combination of excellent pitching and weak hitting promises a lot more nailbiters this season.
Hockey: my two favorite teams, the Boston Bruins (since childhood) and the Vancouver Canucks (since 2002), are among the four teams left and could meet in the NHL finals. I would root for Boston, no doubt, although this area would be really happy if the Canucks won. The Bruins beat Philadelphia in the second round (sorry George!), overcoming the memories of last year's epic collapse against the Flyers (I admit to having a little soft spot for the Flyers, as they were the parent club for the Maine Mariners, the AHL team to which my family had season tickets when I was a kid).
Ethan
My allegiance to the Bulls began in high school during the Michael Jordan/Scottie Pippen era and remains to this day because my dad became a fan because of me and stayed that way until he died.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I am an Orioles fan from way back, I also love the Red Sox. The Sox are a fascinating team to follow, and I love to see them succeed. This causes a great deal of internal anguish for me since both teams are in the same division, but I generally wait to see which sucks less as the season wears on, and I never watch them play against each other.
As for Hockey, well, I'd rather watch paint dry.
I don't know know how you manage to stay clear-headed. I've read in previous posts that you've had some issues with that, but you're lucid enough to follow games at least part of the time. I've been on oxycodone for the past 4 months, and I have a hard time keeping my train of thought on the tracks most of the time. I'm not always lucid enough to talk on the phone. They tell me this next surgery will take care of the pain. But "they" seem say lots of things. "They" have lost my faith.
I hope the doctors have finally found something that works for you. Rachel told me that your Dad was still there after she left, kicking some doctor ass to make sure you get the care you need. Parents are good like that. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Suzy