Maine Memorial Service

I just wanted to share a photo from Ethan's Portland Memorial Service.  As in Bellingham, it was lovely and thoughtful, with lots of tears, and more importantly, laughter shared in memory of Ethan.  After the service, we all walked to the water and threw stones gathered from Orr's Island.  I like to picture the ripples, as Ethan's love, expanding forever into the ocean, and our hearts. 

Thank you everyone,
~Grace

Sorry for the radio silence

Hi Everyone,

I'm not quite sure what to say, other than an enormous THANK YOU for your outpouring of warmth, support, kindness, flowers, food, lawn care, etc. etc. etc.  As you might imagine, the last month has been a pretty crazy time, but Team Remmel was aided by such love that this sad journey is easier to bear. 

Ethan's Memorial Service was b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l!  The venue was absolutely perfect, and the weather cooperated -- we were near the water, listened to Ethan's favorite music, poetry, and ate good food.  It was held on what would have been his 42nd birthday and I think the service really celebrated his life in a way that was fitting of the wonderful partner, son, father, colleague, and friend that he was.  I felt truly part of a pretty special community.  Additional and heartfelt thanks to Chuck Remmel, Larry Symons, and Eric Martin for the lovely stories they shared.  Thanks also to Lynn Coakley for the gorgeous program. 

There will be another service in Maine on August 21st.  I know that it will be just as special, memorable, and beautiful as the Bellingham one.  We hope to see some of you Mainers there. 

Love,
Grace

Article in the Bellingham Herald

Dean Kahn, a reporter for the Bellingham Herald, contacted me last week after reading Ethan's obituary.  He was moved by Ethan's journey and asked if I would like to talk to him.  Here's the resulting article:  http://www.bellinghamherald.com/2011/06/19/2064716/wwu-professor-blogs-about-living.html

I believe that his online obituary is only available for a few more days, so if you wish to access it, you should do it soon. 

The plans for Ethan's memorial service are coming together nicely; my hope is that it will celebrate Ethan's life in a joyous way.  Hope to see some of you there!  (A Maine service will take place later in the summer.) 

~Grace

Ethan's Obituary

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/bellinghamherald/obituary.aspx?n=ethan-ryan-remmel&pid=151935168

(If the link doesn't work, you can search for it at http://www.bellinghamherald.com/)

I will continue to update this blog periodically, so check back! We hope to see many of you West Coasters in a few weeks...

Love,
~Grace

Our Beloved Ethan

Many of you may have heard the news by now, and if not, I'm sorry that you are reading about it for the first time here.  Ethan died yesterday, Monday June 13th, surrounded by his loved ones.  Both his parents held a hand, Eric stood with us, and I was snuggled in his arms, holding him, and loving him as we all have, for as long as we have known him. 

Strange as it may be to say, the past year was a gift.  Immediately after the diagnosis, we weren't sure if he was even going to survive the hospital stay.  Not only did he survive another year, we -- Team Remmel, of which you are all a part -- were truly blessed with many adventures (hikes, long walks, family vacations, another season of The Office, lots of sports games on TV) and times of happiness.  Ethan and I took our first vacation together, to Hawaii -- without the kids! -- and I will treasure those sunny days forever. 

On Sunday afternoon, we all went to Clayton Beach.  It was a beautiful day, and I am grateful that his last day was spent frolicking in the waters, playing with his sons, and loving all of us. 

He leaves behind a very, very sad family and community of friends and fans.  His sons will continue his beautiful spirit.  I have never known a braver man who faced death with so much more dignity and grace (ha). 

Thank you, Team Remmel!

Thanks

The long goodbye

I was talking to my friend Eric a while ago about the Death With Dignity medication. I was saying that it was hard to know if or when to use it because I have had so many ups and downs over the past year - times when I was really not feeling well followed by times when I was feeling OK. So how would I ever know that this was the time - the time when improvement was not around the corner? Maybe, I speculated, when that time comes, you just know.

I can answer my own question now, in the affirmative. When that time comes, you do just know. My quality of life has fallen below unacceptable to me, and it's not coming back. The disease is a runaway train, and we can wait for it to go off the rails on its own, with all the possible attendant suffering, or I can jump off now. I'm choosing to jump off now, while I can still make that choice for myself.

I was able to finish the work for my graduate developmental class, which gave me an important sense of closure, as I was not able to finish that class last spring when I first got sick and had to go into the hospital.

Yesterday (Saturday) was a nice day. It was sunny and warm here. I felt the best I have all week. Seth and Miles were both here. My dad arrived from Maine. My mom brought us Ethiopian lunch (my favorite!) from the farmers market. My father-in-law Frank and my mother-in-law Martha drove up from Seattle. My former student and now friend Jamie stopped by after her graduation ceremony with her family. Jamie was wearing the ceremonial "hood" (actually more like a sash) signifying her masters degree, so I got on my fancy PhD regalia (gown and cap) from my graduation from Stanford - it was funny and fun. My best friend Eric arrived from North Carolina. We had a delicious dinner of Taiwanese food (thanks Martha!) and then sat on the deck in the late sun. I got to cuddle with Seth in the big brown lounge chair. My mom and Grace's dad traded stories of the Punic Wars and dental surgery.

By the way, some of the students and faculty in the Psychology Department at Western Washington University, where I have worked happily for the past nine years, are interested in starting a scholarship fund in my name which would every year (if we get enough) support a student with interests in child development. If anyone is interested in donating to such a fund, please contact my friend and colleague Diana Gruman (diana.gruman@wwu.edu). Grace is also happy to coordinate donations or contributions of any kind. If you feel like supporting a nonprofit in my name, my favorites are NRDC (where my good friend Jonathan works), ACLU, and Amnesty International.

Please don't feel the need to email, call, or write, as I probably won't have the time or energy to respond. If I know you, I'm confident that I know how you feel about me and that you know how I feel about you.

This past year has been difficult and exhausting, but also full of happiness. My illness, however unwelcome, has drawn me even closer to my family and friends. If people everywhere could treat each other the way you have treated me, well, that would be one big kumbaya.

So a Buddhist goes up to a hot dog vendor and says "I'll take one." The vendor says "Whaddya want on it?" The Buddhist says "Make me one with everything."

(Send complaints about the joke to Jane Kolb.)

Love,

Ethan