The long goodbye

I was talking to my friend Eric a while ago about the Death With Dignity medication. I was saying that it was hard to know if or when to use it because I have had so many ups and downs over the past year - times when I was really not feeling well followed by times when I was feeling OK. So how would I ever know that this was the time - the time when improvement was not around the corner? Maybe, I speculated, when that time comes, you just know.

I can answer my own question now, in the affirmative. When that time comes, you do just know. My quality of life has fallen below unacceptable to me, and it's not coming back. The disease is a runaway train, and we can wait for it to go off the rails on its own, with all the possible attendant suffering, or I can jump off now. I'm choosing to jump off now, while I can still make that choice for myself.

I was able to finish the work for my graduate developmental class, which gave me an important sense of closure, as I was not able to finish that class last spring when I first got sick and had to go into the hospital.

Yesterday (Saturday) was a nice day. It was sunny and warm here. I felt the best I have all week. Seth and Miles were both here. My dad arrived from Maine. My mom brought us Ethiopian lunch (my favorite!) from the farmers market. My father-in-law Frank and my mother-in-law Martha drove up from Seattle. My former student and now friend Jamie stopped by after her graduation ceremony with her family. Jamie was wearing the ceremonial "hood" (actually more like a sash) signifying her masters degree, so I got on my fancy PhD regalia (gown and cap) from my graduation from Stanford - it was funny and fun. My best friend Eric arrived from North Carolina. We had a delicious dinner of Taiwanese food (thanks Martha!) and then sat on the deck in the late sun. I got to cuddle with Seth in the big brown lounge chair. My mom and Grace's dad traded stories of the Punic Wars and dental surgery.

By the way, some of the students and faculty in the Psychology Department at Western Washington University, where I have worked happily for the past nine years, are interested in starting a scholarship fund in my name which would every year (if we get enough) support a student with interests in child development. If anyone is interested in donating to such a fund, please contact my friend and colleague Diana Gruman (diana.gruman@wwu.edu). Grace is also happy to coordinate donations or contributions of any kind. If you feel like supporting a nonprofit in my name, my favorites are NRDC (where my good friend Jonathan works), ACLU, and Amnesty International.

Please don't feel the need to email, call, or write, as I probably won't have the time or energy to respond. If I know you, I'm confident that I know how you feel about me and that you know how I feel about you.

This past year has been difficult and exhausting, but also full of happiness. My illness, however unwelcome, has drawn me even closer to my family and friends. If people everywhere could treat each other the way you have treated me, well, that would be one big kumbaya.

So a Buddhist goes up to a hot dog vendor and says "I'll take one." The vendor says "Whaddya want on it?" The Buddhist says "Make me one with everything."

(Send complaints about the joke to Jane Kolb.)

Love,

Ethan