Dean Kahn, a reporter for the Bellingham Herald, contacted me last week after reading Ethan's obituary. He was moved by Ethan's journey and asked if I would like to talk to him. Here's the resulting article: http://www.bellinghamherald.com/2011/06/19/2064716/wwu-professor-blogs-about-living.html
I believe that his online obituary is only available for a few more days, so if you wish to access it, you should do it soon.
The plans for Ethan's memorial service are coming together nicely; my hope is that it will celebrate Ethan's life in a joyous way. Hope to see some of you there! (A Maine service will take place later in the summer.)
~Grace
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Ethan's Obituary
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/bellinghamherald/obituary.aspx?n=ethan-ryan-remmel&pid=151935168
(If the link doesn't work, you can search for it at http://www.bellinghamherald.com/)
I will continue to update this blog periodically, so check back! We hope to see many of you West Coasters in a few weeks...
Love,
~Grace
(If the link doesn't work, you can search for it at http://www.bellinghamherald.com/)
I will continue to update this blog periodically, so check back! We hope to see many of you West Coasters in a few weeks...
Love,
~Grace
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Our Beloved Ethan
Many of you may have heard the news by now, and if not, I'm sorry that you are reading about it for the first time here. Ethan died yesterday, Monday June 13th, surrounded by his loved ones. Both his parents held a hand, Eric stood with us, and I was snuggled in his arms, holding him, and loving him as we all have, for as long as we have known him.
Strange as it may be to say, the past year was a gift. Immediately after the diagnosis, we weren't sure if he was even going to survive the hospital stay. Not only did he survive another year, we -- Team Remmel, of which you are all a part -- were truly blessed with many adventures (hikes, long walks, family vacations, another season of The Office, lots of sports games on TV) and times of happiness. Ethan and I took our first vacation together, to Hawaii -- without the kids! -- and I will treasure those sunny days forever.
On Sunday afternoon, we all went to Clayton Beach. It was a beautiful day, and I am grateful that his last day was spent frolicking in the waters, playing with his sons, and loving all of us.
He leaves behind a very, very sad family and community of friends and fans. His sons will continue his beautiful spirit. I have never known a braver man who faced death with so much more dignity and grace (ha).
Thank you, Team Remmel!
Strange as it may be to say, the past year was a gift. Immediately after the diagnosis, we weren't sure if he was even going to survive the hospital stay. Not only did he survive another year, we -- Team Remmel, of which you are all a part -- were truly blessed with many adventures (hikes, long walks, family vacations, another season of The Office, lots of sports games on TV) and times of happiness. Ethan and I took our first vacation together, to Hawaii -- without the kids! -- and I will treasure those sunny days forever.
On Sunday afternoon, we all went to Clayton Beach. It was a beautiful day, and I am grateful that his last day was spent frolicking in the waters, playing with his sons, and loving all of us.
He leaves behind a very, very sad family and community of friends and fans. His sons will continue his beautiful spirit. I have never known a braver man who faced death with so much more dignity and grace (ha).
Thank you, Team Remmel!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
The long goodbye
I was talking to my friend Eric a while ago about the Death With Dignity medication. I was saying that it was hard to know if or when to use it because I have had so many ups and downs over the past year - times when I was really not feeling well followed by times when I was feeling OK. So how would I ever know that this was the time - the time when improvement was not around the corner? Maybe, I speculated, when that time comes, you just know.
I can answer my own question now, in the affirmative. When that time comes, you do just know. My quality of life has fallen below unacceptable to me, and it's not coming back. The disease is a runaway train, and we can wait for it to go off the rails on its own, with all the possible attendant suffering, or I can jump off now. I'm choosing to jump off now, while I can still make that choice for myself.
I was able to finish the work for my graduate developmental class, which gave me an important sense of closure, as I was not able to finish that class last spring when I first got sick and had to go into the hospital.
Yesterday (Saturday) was a nice day. It was sunny and warm here. I felt the best I have all week. Seth and Miles were both here. My dad arrived from Maine. My mom brought us Ethiopian lunch (my favorite!) from the farmers market. My father-in-law Frank and my mother-in-law Martha drove up from Seattle. My former student and now friend Jamie stopped by after her graduation ceremony with her family. Jamie was wearing the ceremonial "hood" (actually more like a sash) signifying her masters degree, so I got on my fancy PhD regalia (gown and cap) from my graduation from Stanford - it was funny and fun. My best friend Eric arrived from North Carolina. We had a delicious dinner of Taiwanese food (thanks Martha!) and then sat on the deck in the late sun. I got to cuddle with Seth in the big brown lounge chair. My mom and Grace's dad traded stories of the Punic Wars and dental surgery.
By the way, some of the students and faculty in the Psychology Department at Western Washington University, where I have worked happily for the past nine years, are interested in starting a scholarship fund in my name which would every year (if we get enough) support a student with interests in child development. If anyone is interested in donating to such a fund, please contact my friend and colleague Diana Gruman (diana.gruman@wwu.edu). Grace is also happy to coordinate donations or contributions of any kind. If you feel like supporting a nonprofit in my name, my favorites are NRDC (where my good friend Jonathan works), ACLU, and Amnesty International.
Please don't feel the need to email, call, or write, as I probably won't have the time or energy to respond. If I know you, I'm confident that I know how you feel about me and that you know how I feel about you.
This past year has been difficult and exhausting, but also full of happiness. My illness, however unwelcome, has drawn me even closer to my family and friends. If people everywhere could treat each other the way you have treated me, well, that would be one big kumbaya.
So a Buddhist goes up to a hot dog vendor and says "I'll take one." The vendor says "Whaddya want on it?" The Buddhist says "Make me one with everything."
(Send complaints about the joke to Jane Kolb.)
Love,
Ethan
I can answer my own question now, in the affirmative. When that time comes, you do just know. My quality of life has fallen below unacceptable to me, and it's not coming back. The disease is a runaway train, and we can wait for it to go off the rails on its own, with all the possible attendant suffering, or I can jump off now. I'm choosing to jump off now, while I can still make that choice for myself.
I was able to finish the work for my graduate developmental class, which gave me an important sense of closure, as I was not able to finish that class last spring when I first got sick and had to go into the hospital.
Yesterday (Saturday) was a nice day. It was sunny and warm here. I felt the best I have all week. Seth and Miles were both here. My dad arrived from Maine. My mom brought us Ethiopian lunch (my favorite!) from the farmers market. My father-in-law Frank and my mother-in-law Martha drove up from Seattle. My former student and now friend Jamie stopped by after her graduation ceremony with her family. Jamie was wearing the ceremonial "hood" (actually more like a sash) signifying her masters degree, so I got on my fancy PhD regalia (gown and cap) from my graduation from Stanford - it was funny and fun. My best friend Eric arrived from North Carolina. We had a delicious dinner of Taiwanese food (thanks Martha!) and then sat on the deck in the late sun. I got to cuddle with Seth in the big brown lounge chair. My mom and Grace's dad traded stories of the Punic Wars and dental surgery.
By the way, some of the students and faculty in the Psychology Department at Western Washington University, where I have worked happily for the past nine years, are interested in starting a scholarship fund in my name which would every year (if we get enough) support a student with interests in child development. If anyone is interested in donating to such a fund, please contact my friend and colleague Diana Gruman (diana.gruman@wwu.edu). Grace is also happy to coordinate donations or contributions of any kind. If you feel like supporting a nonprofit in my name, my favorites are NRDC (where my good friend Jonathan works), ACLU, and Amnesty International.
Please don't feel the need to email, call, or write, as I probably won't have the time or energy to respond. If I know you, I'm confident that I know how you feel about me and that you know how I feel about you.
This past year has been difficult and exhausting, but also full of happiness. My illness, however unwelcome, has drawn me even closer to my family and friends. If people everywhere could treat each other the way you have treated me, well, that would be one big kumbaya.
So a Buddhist goes up to a hot dog vendor and says "I'll take one." The vendor says "Whaddya want on it?" The Buddhist says "Make me one with everything."
(Send complaints about the joke to Jane Kolb.)
Love,
Ethan
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Friday night update
Yesterday was a big day - the last meeting of my graduate development class. One of my favorite students, Jamie, arranged to have a class picture taken (Jamie is in the front row, just in front of me):
Thank you to my students for being awesome and to my colleagues, especially Larry, Kate, and Leslie, for helping me to finish the quarter.
Grace and Miles also left yesterday. Grace has a conference in Madison, but she is flying in and out of Minneapolis, where her best friend Claudia lives. Claudia will come to Madison and babysit Miles while Grace attends the conference. Grace and Miles are scheduled to return to Bellingham next Friday June 10.
Speaking of best friends, I was thinking about my relationship with Eric and how awesome it is to have close friendships that are not based on a romantic relationship or family ties - just a shared desire to be a part of each other's lives and a mutual enjoyment of each other's company and appreciation of their character. With Eric, I have always felt that I could call him in the middle of the night and say "I need you here; I can't explain now" and he would be on the next plane. And in fact he has been here for me since I've sick, so many times that I've lost count. And I know that he knows that I would do the same for him, if our roles were reversed. I hope my sons experience that kind of friendship in their lives.
It has been nice to have some quality time with my mom. Last night we watched the Miami-Dallas game, in which the Mavericks were getting "posterized" (Eric's latest addition to my son Seth's lexicon) by the Heat until making an amazing, improbable run in the last 5 minutes to steal Game 2 of the NBA Finals. My mom and I were whooping it up.
Speaking of sports and improbable finishes, Andy Bunn came over on Wednesday to watch Game 1 of the NHL Finals with me (thanks Andy!), in which the Vancouver Canucks scored the only goal of the game with less than 20 seconds left. I was disappointed for the Boston Bruins and their stalwart goalie Tim Thomas, but it was an exciting finish. On a much smaller stage, but no less dramatic, I played poker tonight with my poker buddies and won by going all-in on my last hand (last for me because my mom arrived to drive me home - I can't drive these days due to my drowsiness and spaciness).
Speaking of my condition, it has not been great lately. I am in constant pain which ranges from unpleasant but tolerable to excruciating and intolerable. The hospice folks gave me a new drug on Wednesday: Ketamine (or "Special K" as Andy reminded me that the club kids call it). It does take my mind off the pain, but it requires another pump that I have to carry around (in addition to the Dilaudid pump that I already had), as it is delivered intravenously. It also also gives me a "high" which is OK, but not when I'm trying to sleep. Last night I composed a magnum opus involving multiple streams of consciousness and the "many worlds" interpretation of quantum mechanics (I think Leo O'Brien was in there too). It seemed very profound at the time, but I will spare you the details. I am also quite physically disabled, which means that my mom has to take care of Seth during "my" time with him.
Speaking of Seth, he has been very kind to me lately, bringing me beautiful drawings (the latest was a detailed underwater scene featuring things we've seen while snorkelling together) and little origami creations. He refers to me as "Commander Awesomus Alphaman" and my pumps as my "jetpack." When I give myself a demand dose of Dilaudid, he asks if I am "firing up the jetpack" or giving myself a "turbo boost."
Speaking of kids, Grace found and scanned a picture of herself from early elementary school. I put it together with a picture of Miles and an early school picture of me:
Grace and Miles also left yesterday. Grace has a conference in Madison, but she is flying in and out of Minneapolis, where her best friend Claudia lives. Claudia will come to Madison and babysit Miles while Grace attends the conference. Grace and Miles are scheduled to return to Bellingham next Friday June 10.
Speaking of best friends, I was thinking about my relationship with Eric and how awesome it is to have close friendships that are not based on a romantic relationship or family ties - just a shared desire to be a part of each other's lives and a mutual enjoyment of each other's company and appreciation of their character. With Eric, I have always felt that I could call him in the middle of the night and say "I need you here; I can't explain now" and he would be on the next plane. And in fact he has been here for me since I've sick, so many times that I've lost count. And I know that he knows that I would do the same for him, if our roles were reversed. I hope my sons experience that kind of friendship in their lives.
It has been nice to have some quality time with my mom. Last night we watched the Miami-Dallas game, in which the Mavericks were getting "posterized" (Eric's latest addition to my son Seth's lexicon) by the Heat until making an amazing, improbable run in the last 5 minutes to steal Game 2 of the NBA Finals. My mom and I were whooping it up.
Speaking of sports and improbable finishes, Andy Bunn came over on Wednesday to watch Game 1 of the NHL Finals with me (thanks Andy!), in which the Vancouver Canucks scored the only goal of the game with less than 20 seconds left. I was disappointed for the Boston Bruins and their stalwart goalie Tim Thomas, but it was an exciting finish. On a much smaller stage, but no less dramatic, I played poker tonight with my poker buddies and won by going all-in on my last hand (last for me because my mom arrived to drive me home - I can't drive these days due to my drowsiness and spaciness).
Speaking of my condition, it has not been great lately. I am in constant pain which ranges from unpleasant but tolerable to excruciating and intolerable. The hospice folks gave me a new drug on Wednesday: Ketamine (or "Special K" as Andy reminded me that the club kids call it). It does take my mind off the pain, but it requires another pump that I have to carry around (in addition to the Dilaudid pump that I already had), as it is delivered intravenously. It also also gives me a "high" which is OK, but not when I'm trying to sleep. Last night I composed a magnum opus involving multiple streams of consciousness and the "many worlds" interpretation of quantum mechanics (I think Leo O'Brien was in there too). It seemed very profound at the time, but I will spare you the details. I am also quite physically disabled, which means that my mom has to take care of Seth during "my" time with him.
Speaking of Seth, he has been very kind to me lately, bringing me beautiful drawings (the latest was a detailed underwater scene featuring things we've seen while snorkelling together) and little origami creations. He refers to me as "Commander Awesomus Alphaman" and my pumps as my "jetpack." When I give myself a demand dose of Dilaudid, he asks if I am "firing up the jetpack" or giving myself a "turbo boost."
Speaking of kids, Grace found and scanned a picture of herself from early elementary school. I put it together with a picture of Miles and an early school picture of me:
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Goodbye Eric
My best friend Eric left tonight, back to North Carolina. I think it was last Tuesday that he proposed to visit. We said yes, and he was here Thursday. It was great to see him, even though I wasn't feeling great (the usual suspects, pain and fatigue, plus loss of appetite). My boys were happy to see him, especially Seth, who is very attached to Eric. It is bittersweet for me to watch Seth and Eric play physically the way that Seth and I used to (wrestling, rough-and-tumble). But I feel so achy and fragile these days - tonight Miles climbed into my lap to cuddle, which was great except that his weight actually hurt, and when he got down suddenly I had to gasp because it hurt so much. It made me really sad to think that I can't even enjoy a cuddle anymore. Both boys have been very nice and solicitous toward me lately, as if they can sense that I am fragile and need to be treated tenderly. I only took a few pictures during Eric's visit; here they are:
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