My not-so-good day

I read someone else's blog the other day that provided a lot more insight into that person's state of mind than I think mine does. In this blog (and in my journals), I tend to be more objective, just reporting "what I did today." I haven't talked much about my emotional state, because frankly it's not always positive, and I don't want to be whiny or complain ("oh, poor me!"). I also hate to be negative because I feel it's disrespectful and potentially discouraging to the people around me who are working so hard to support me - I owe it to them (and especially to my kids) not to wallow in self-pity.

However, in the interests of honesty (and perhaps seeking some sympathy - I'm not above that), I'll talk about how I was feeling today, which was not good. The cool rainy weather here didn't help. I was hoping to finish trimming the hedge and/or play basketball, but I didn't end up doing either.

I am having trouble accepting that my life is not going to go back to the way it was before I got sick. It's a cliche, but I do sometimes feel like this is a bad dream, or a bad movie, or some sort of thing that is going to end and then things will return to normal. But they are not going to, and I am not happy about that. I liked my old life a lot, and I do not like this new life nearly as much.

I also struggle also with the fact that this situation is not under my control. Other challenges in my life I have been able to overcome with effort. But no matter how hard I try, I can't make this problem go away. I don't want to be sick, but I don't have a choice. I don't want to think of myself as a sick person, nor do I want others (again, especially my kids) to think of me that way, but it's the truth. I want others to just treat me normally, and yet often I need help.

I feel like I'm reconstructing my life, or rather constructing a new one. I can't remember how my old life used to go. How did I get up in the morning? What did I used to do with my day? I feel like there are not nearly enough hours in the day anymore. There are so many things that I want to do, but the time slips by so quickly. Simple things like bathing and eating seem to take forever, perhaps because they take more effort than before. How did I used to work full-time, help take care of the kids, cook, read books, watch movies, keep track of the news and sports, etc.?

Speaking of the news, I feel so out of touch these days. Things outside my immediate life often seem abstract and irrelevant. Plus the news is so often depressing - wars, disasters, economic downturns, people being cruel to each other, etc. I know people often complain about the news focusing on the negative, but I feel it now more than before.

However, the negativity in the news can be contrasted with what I see in my immediate life, which is people being good to each other, and to me. One silver lining of my health situation is that it has exposed the kindness and generosity of the people around me. Grace, my mom, my family and friends in Bellingham and those who have visited from far away, my neighbors - everyone has stepped up and helped out. Not to get all kumbaya, but if only everyone around the world could show that spirit all the time!

Ethan

Yard work

The weather was nice today - sunny and warm but not hot. I worked in the yard, primarily trimming the hedge but also other little jobs. I like yard work. I like being outside, the physical activity, and the tangible results (a trimmed hedge!). I like tending my little plot of land and all the plants growing there (although I'm no master gardener - I spend most of my time whacking weeds back). After eight years of pruning and picking, the fruit trees in particular feel like old friends.

Speaking of which, it's still raining apples here, if anyone wants any (nobody responded to my previous offer - is it that hard to give away apples in Bellingham this time of year?). My mom has been furiously canning applesauce, baking apple cake, etc., but even she can't keep up so I may have to call the gleaners (last year they picked 227 pounds of apples and 21 pounds of pears from our trees). The plums are getting close too.

Ethan

George departs

My good friend George headed back to SoCal (Redlands) this evening. It was good to see him and to catch up. This morning he and I drove up Mount Baker Highway and hiked up the Yellow Aster Butte trail. The weather was iffy (it started to rain on the way down just as we got back to the car), but the mountain scenery was still pretty. Pics: http://remmel.shutterfly.com/1766

Ethan

Clayton Beach

Grace, Miles, George, and I walked down to Clayton Beach in Larrabee State Park. Miles and I climbed on the rocks. Pics: http://remmel.shutterfly.com/1740

Ethan

Miles's Birthday Party!

Miles turned 3 yesterday. This morning, Grace, Miles, and I took the Amtrak train from Bellingham to Edmonds as a treat for Miles, who loves trains. Grace's parents picked us up and we enjoyed a delicious lunch at their house prepared by Grace's mom, and also attended by her brothers Gene, Gary, and Greg, and her nephews Jordan and Jackson. After Miles's nap, we all (minus Gene and Gary) drove up to Bellingham. Grace had reserved the picnic shelter at Lake Padden and prepared a truck-themed party for Miles, who also loves trucks. We met more friends and family there: my mom and Seth; Jim, Crispin, and Eric; Susan, Chris, and Elizabeth; Kim and Nora; Andy, Sam, Eli, and Micah; and my friend George, who just arrived for the weekend from Southern California. It was a beautiful sunny evening and a nice time.
Pics: http://remmel.shutterfly.com/1703

Ethan

The other side of the story

A few things have happened recently that have made me think that I may be painting an overly rosy picture of how things are going on this blog. Overall, things are going well, in that the chemo has knocked the cancer back, I am more active and independent now (certainly compared to a few months ago), and we have had a lot of nice visits from good people. I try to be positive on this blog, and in general. But it's not all picnics, fun trips, and pretty sunsets around here. As you can imagine, having incurable cancer and chemotherapy for the foreseeable future has its downside. I don't talk about the frequent doctor appointments, multiple medications, the struggle to eat when I have no appetite, or the fact that even on my good days I often feel tired and/or sick to my stomach, because I find these these things boring and depressing, but they are part of my reality these days. Sorry to be a downer today, but I felt the need to provide a more balanced picture.

Ethan

Seth arrives; Eric departs

Seth returned from 2.5 weeks in Wisconsin yesterday. This morning Seth, Eric, Grandma Kathy, and I played some spirited games of croquet in the yard. In the afternoon we went to Lake Padden, where Seth ran his remote control fireboat (pics: http://remmel.shutterfly.com/1696), Grandma swam, and I walked around the lake.

Sadly, we then had to drop Eric off at the airport shuttle stop, whence he began his long journey back to North Carolina, via Philadelphia and the Jersey shore. This was his third visit to Bellingham since I got sick, reaffirming his title as the world's best best friend. Ironically, after being careful with sunscreen at the Jersey shore, Eric got sunburned during his trip here (yes, the sun sometimes shines in the Pacific Northwest, but don't tell anyone!).

Ethan