I played basketball yesterday - four games of half court. I am out of shape from laying around so much but it felt good to play and I was actually happy with how I played. I even played a little defense, which I haven't done for a while. It was also good to see my basketball friends. I was matched up with my friend Ben. Lucky was also on the other team and shot really well, including a lot of three-pointers. Our team did better once we added our own three-point shooter, Gary McKinney, which spread the floor and gave me more room to post up inside. I liked our team: me, Gary (good outside shooter), Mike Henniger (good pick-setter and interior defender), and Ernie (my hero and master of the step-back bank shot and other crafty moves).
In the evening Grace and I went to the movie "The King's Speech" (my mom babysat Miles - thanks Mom!). The movie was very good. The acting was excellent, led by Colin Firth. The "Best Picture" and "Best Actor" Oscars seem deserved, in my opinion, although I didn't see all the competition. It was nice to go out and do something with Grace.
I gotta love a movie in which the hero is a speech therapist. Maybe they'll make a movie about my friend Kim Peters. Who would play her? Maybe Charlize Theron, with her hair colored brown. Kim's husband John Rybczyk (who my son Seth likes to call "Johnny Lipstick") would like that, being a Charlize fan. Speaking of Charlize, here's a funny video of her with one of my favorite comedians, Zach Galifianakis: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83I_rQUbw8c
I read some interesting things recently by the Gopniks. Alison wrote something in Slate about the value of exploration versus direct instruction in preschool children: http://www.slate.com/id/2288402/
Adam wrote something in The New Yorker (I am little behind on my New Yorkers) about how the Internet affects our cognition and culture. I don't love everything that Adam writes, but I thought this essay was very good: http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/atlarge/2011/02/14/110214crat_atlarge_gopnik
Alison's essay reminded me of Grace's ongoing uncertainty about where to send Miles for preschool and kindergarten over the next couple of years. He is currently at a child-care facility affiliated with an evangelical Christian church. They are convenient, affordable, flexible, and super-nice, but not very academically-oriented. Miles is also picking up some religious references, which is kind of funny but kind of weird for us. He was singing a song the other day that went: "I'm in the Lord's army - Amen!" Another day we were talking about making things and Grace said that she and I made Miles and Miles objected, saying "God made me!"
Adam's essay reminded me of what I was writing about a few days ago: whether the social networks in our culture are fraying. I joked that Facebook doesn't count, but maybe it does. Does the Internet help us stay connected in meaningful ways, or is it just voyeurism without real interaction? I guess I don't know about Facebook, being one of the last people in the world (or at least in my generation) to not be on Facebook at all. But email and blogs have helped me stay connected to friends, both near and far.
Ethan
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Post #200!
This is my 200th post to this blog!
Last night the fatigue lifted a little and today was my best day, energy-wise, since the chemo. I am encouraged and hope that this trend continues. I ran errands this morning and went into the office for a few hours this afternoon.
I talked about the Megantic fly fishing club in a previous post. I found a picture in one of my folders of some of the Megantic property. The club owns a set of ponds and small lakes in northwestern Maine, near the Canadian border. It is a beautiful area, as you can see. I think that's Big Island Pond in the center and Ell Pond on the left (so named for its L shape). You can't see them in this picture, but the cabins and dining hall are on the left end of Big Island Pond. All the ponds have Rangeley Lake rowboats, which are signed out on a big chalkboard in the dining hall.
Last night the fatigue lifted a little and today was my best day, energy-wise, since the chemo. I am encouraged and hope that this trend continues. I ran errands this morning and went into the office for a few hours this afternoon.
I talked about the Megantic fly fishing club in a previous post. I found a picture in one of my folders of some of the Megantic property. The club owns a set of ponds and small lakes in northwestern Maine, near the Canadian border. It is a beautiful area, as you can see. I think that's Big Island Pond in the center and Ell Pond on the left (so named for its L shape). You can't see them in this picture, but the cabins and dining hall are on the left end of Big Island Pond. All the ponds have Rangeley Lake rowboats, which are signed out on a big chalkboard in the dining hall.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Origami
Seth is really into origami lately. Last night he took a piece of packaging paper and folded it into a dragon. He made up this design himself, using only folds, no cuts or tears. I think it's pretty cool!
The dragon's head is on the right here:
The dragon's tail is on the bottom here:
The artist with his creation:
The dragon's head is on the right here:
The dragon's tail is on the bottom here:
The artist with his creation:
While I still have my soapbox...
The other day Grace was trying to explain the concept of "wife" to Miles. Miles said "I want a wife!" Grace said that maybe he would have a wife when he was older. Miles announced "The robot is my wife!" (The robot is one of his toy figures.)
If I had not gotten sick, I would have liked to marry Grace (assuming she was willing to marry me!). We consider ourselves to be in a marriage-like relationship, and even refer to each other as "husband" and "wife" sometimes, but it would be nice to do so without any hesitation or qualification (e.g., "well, not legally..."). I love calling Grace my wife or hearing her call me her husband - it makes me feel proud to be with her. We often say "partner," but that just doesn't have the same ring (pun intended).
I hate to agree with social conservatives on anything, but I think the institution of marriage is in decline in our culture, and that something of value is being lost as a result. Unlike many social conservatives, however, I don't think that gays and lesbians blurring the definition of marriage is the cause of the decline. I fail to see how a group of people fighting for the right to legally marry devalues the institution - on the contrary, it suggests that marriage is valuable enough to fight for. I think the cause of the decline is the fact that younger generations increasingly view marriage as optional. Marriage is viewed as a personal choice, but not necessary for cohabitation or childrearing.
I realize this may seem hypocritical since Grace and I have contributed to this trend. I don't think there is anything inherently immoral about unmarried cohabitation or childrearing. In fact, I'm not sure whether this trend is a bad thing overall. But I think it is symptomatic of the general loosening of the social ties that bind us together (the "Bowling Alone" idea, although I didn't actually read that book). In our culture, I think people increasingly view themselves as independent autonomous individuals (my friend Lauren, a cultural psychologist, could speak to this more cogently). Although, like I said, I'm not sure whether this is a bad thing overall, I think something of value is lost when we do not feel embedded in social networks (and, no, Facebook does not count).
On a different but related note, I recently read about Jonathan Haidt's research on the preponderance of liberals in academia. Haidt apparently suggests that conservatives are made to feel uncomfortable and unwelcome in academia and thus they leave. That may be part of it, but I think another part is that conservatives tend to value making money more than liberals, and academia doesn't pay well (especially for the amount of educational investment required), so conservatives are more likely to pursue other fields such as business. Apropos, I read someone describe the political policy battle between liberals and conservatives as a fight between PhDs and MBAs.
So who should play me in a movie? How about Ed Norton (Yale '91 like me, although I didn't know him). Trivia note: according to IMDB, Norton was friends at Yale with Paul Giamatti and Ron Livingstone, the stars of two of my favorite movies: "Sideways" and "Office Space," respectively.
Ethan
If I had not gotten sick, I would have liked to marry Grace (assuming she was willing to marry me!). We consider ourselves to be in a marriage-like relationship, and even refer to each other as "husband" and "wife" sometimes, but it would be nice to do so without any hesitation or qualification (e.g., "well, not legally..."). I love calling Grace my wife or hearing her call me her husband - it makes me feel proud to be with her. We often say "partner," but that just doesn't have the same ring (pun intended).
I hate to agree with social conservatives on anything, but I think the institution of marriage is in decline in our culture, and that something of value is being lost as a result. Unlike many social conservatives, however, I don't think that gays and lesbians blurring the definition of marriage is the cause of the decline. I fail to see how a group of people fighting for the right to legally marry devalues the institution - on the contrary, it suggests that marriage is valuable enough to fight for. I think the cause of the decline is the fact that younger generations increasingly view marriage as optional. Marriage is viewed as a personal choice, but not necessary for cohabitation or childrearing.
I realize this may seem hypocritical since Grace and I have contributed to this trend. I don't think there is anything inherently immoral about unmarried cohabitation or childrearing. In fact, I'm not sure whether this trend is a bad thing overall. But I think it is symptomatic of the general loosening of the social ties that bind us together (the "Bowling Alone" idea, although I didn't actually read that book). In our culture, I think people increasingly view themselves as independent autonomous individuals (my friend Lauren, a cultural psychologist, could speak to this more cogently). Although, like I said, I'm not sure whether this is a bad thing overall, I think something of value is lost when we do not feel embedded in social networks (and, no, Facebook does not count).
On a different but related note, I recently read about Jonathan Haidt's research on the preponderance of liberals in academia. Haidt apparently suggests that conservatives are made to feel uncomfortable and unwelcome in academia and thus they leave. That may be part of it, but I think another part is that conservatives tend to value making money more than liberals, and academia doesn't pay well (especially for the amount of educational investment required), so conservatives are more likely to pursue other fields such as business. Apropos, I read someone describe the political policy battle between liberals and conservatives as a fight between PhDs and MBAs.
So who should play me in a movie? How about Ed Norton (Yale '91 like me, although I didn't know him). Trivia note: according to IMDB, Norton was friends at Yale with Paul Giamatti and Ron Livingstone, the stars of two of my favorite movies: "Sideways" and "Office Space," respectively.
Ethan
Random Ramblings
Sleeping most of the day is not conducive to keeping up with email, so I have an inbox full of unread messages. I am working through them when I have energy, but anything urgent should probably go through Grace.
Two nights ago it rained. The sound of the rain on the roof reminded me of the cabins at the Megantic Club, the fly fishing club in Maine to which my dad belongs. When I was a preadolescent, an older fellow, Dick Hayden, invited my dad and me to come with him to the Megantic Club. Our trips there became an annual tradition. Eventually Dick Hayden passed away (add him to my afterlife list of people I'd like to see again - he was a very nice man), my dad joined the club, and he and I continued to go until I moved away and our Megantic visits became sporadic. I haven't been to the Megantic in many years but I remember it fondly. Last summer my dad and I were going to bring Seth to the Megantic, but then I got sick and all our plans had to be cancelled. I regret not being able to introduce Seth to a place that was very special to my dad and me when I was growing up. I hope my dad will take Seth and Miles someday.
Yesterday morning when I opened my bedroom blinds there were two fat deer in our front walkway. I'm afraid they were munching on the lovely flowers that my mom has planted there. Deer have reappeared on South Hill lately, from wherever they hang out during the winter (Sehome Hill Arboretum? Chuckanut Highlands?).
Our daffodils are blooming. I may have to mow the grass soon.
I have a couple of little talismans that give me comfort. In the pocket of my jacket I keep two shells that I picked up on the beach at Point Whitehorn. When I'm out walking I like to rub them between my fingers. On my right wrist I wear a SillyBand (a rubber band that forms a shape - they were a craze among schoolkids last fall) given to me by Seth. It used to be a Barkleyesque basketball player, but that one broke, so Seth gave me a brown bear, which I like because it reminds me of Grace (a Cal Bear alum - maybe I should also get a green tree for Stanford).
Speaking of Stanford, I am proud of having gone there. I had a very good experience there, in large part due to my Ph.D. advisor John Flavell, a distinguished scientist but also a sweet and modest man.
Grace and I met with my oncologist Dr. Nestor on Friday morning. When I told him that I didn't want to do any more chemo and I wanted to officially enter hospice care (which just means that my medical care shifts from balancing quantity and quality of life to focusing on quality of life), he didn't argue, but I did sort of get the sense that he wanted to wash his hands of me. It reminded me of how some of my Stanford professors (but not John Flavell) seemed to write me off when I decided to take a position at WWU rather than pursuing one at a more prestigious research-oriented university. In both cases, it seemed like the other people (Nestor and the Stanford professors) wanted to disassociate themselves from me if I was not going to be a success story, as defined by them. In the Stanford case, I had to swallow my pride and competitiveness and reassure myself that I would be happier at a university that valued and rewarded teaching as well as research (plus the people in the psychology department at WWU seemed nice as well as smart and Bellingham seemed like a nice place to live and raise kids - all of which turned out to be true). Similarly, in my current situation, I need to remember that it's my life and I need to do what I think is best for me - I can't just try to fulfill other people's hopes and expectations.
Have you ever played that game of who would play you or someone you know in a movie? I think Bradley Cooper would be a good choice to play my friend Eric (except that Eric is handsomer :-).
Ethan
Two nights ago it rained. The sound of the rain on the roof reminded me of the cabins at the Megantic Club, the fly fishing club in Maine to which my dad belongs. When I was a preadolescent, an older fellow, Dick Hayden, invited my dad and me to come with him to the Megantic Club. Our trips there became an annual tradition. Eventually Dick Hayden passed away (add him to my afterlife list of people I'd like to see again - he was a very nice man), my dad joined the club, and he and I continued to go until I moved away and our Megantic visits became sporadic. I haven't been to the Megantic in many years but I remember it fondly. Last summer my dad and I were going to bring Seth to the Megantic, but then I got sick and all our plans had to be cancelled. I regret not being able to introduce Seth to a place that was very special to my dad and me when I was growing up. I hope my dad will take Seth and Miles someday.
Yesterday morning when I opened my bedroom blinds there were two fat deer in our front walkway. I'm afraid they were munching on the lovely flowers that my mom has planted there. Deer have reappeared on South Hill lately, from wherever they hang out during the winter (Sehome Hill Arboretum? Chuckanut Highlands?).
Our daffodils are blooming. I may have to mow the grass soon.
I have a couple of little talismans that give me comfort. In the pocket of my jacket I keep two shells that I picked up on the beach at Point Whitehorn. When I'm out walking I like to rub them between my fingers. On my right wrist I wear a SillyBand (a rubber band that forms a shape - they were a craze among schoolkids last fall) given to me by Seth. It used to be a Barkleyesque basketball player, but that one broke, so Seth gave me a brown bear, which I like because it reminds me of Grace (a Cal Bear alum - maybe I should also get a green tree for Stanford).
Speaking of Stanford, I am proud of having gone there. I had a very good experience there, in large part due to my Ph.D. advisor John Flavell, a distinguished scientist but also a sweet and modest man.
Grace and I met with my oncologist Dr. Nestor on Friday morning. When I told him that I didn't want to do any more chemo and I wanted to officially enter hospice care (which just means that my medical care shifts from balancing quantity and quality of life to focusing on quality of life), he didn't argue, but I did sort of get the sense that he wanted to wash his hands of me. It reminded me of how some of my Stanford professors (but not John Flavell) seemed to write me off when I decided to take a position at WWU rather than pursuing one at a more prestigious research-oriented university. In both cases, it seemed like the other people (Nestor and the Stanford professors) wanted to disassociate themselves from me if I was not going to be a success story, as defined by them. In the Stanford case, I had to swallow my pride and competitiveness and reassure myself that I would be happier at a university that valued and rewarded teaching as well as research (plus the people in the psychology department at WWU seemed nice as well as smart and Bellingham seemed like a nice place to live and raise kids - all of which turned out to be true). Similarly, in my current situation, I need to remember that it's my life and I need to do what I think is best for me - I can't just try to fulfill other people's hopes and expectations.
Have you ever played that game of who would play you or someone you know in a movie? I think Bradley Cooper would be a good choice to play my friend Eric (except that Eric is handsomer :-).
Ethan
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Saturday update
I don't feel worthy of all the super-kind and eloquent comments and messages that I have received, but thanks! It reminds me of something my dad said before he left. I don't remember his exact words, but the gist was: if love could heal you, you would be healed. I feel lucky to know so many good people. I just wish I had more time and energy - there are so many people with whom I would like to spend more time.
The past few days have not been great - lazy, low-energy days. I'm not in any great discomfort, just really tired all the time. I sleep most of the day, then most of the night, but I never really feel rested. I'm trying to take my therapist's advice and not stress about it too much. But I'm not sure whether it's better to relax and wait for energy to come or to try to make energy by forcing myself to be active even when I don't feel like it.
So here is what I hope happens next. The chemo fatigue lifts. That often takes 3-4 weeks, and I'm still in my second week after chemo (it seems like longer). The bone pain stays under control. The radiopharmaceutical treatment (the Samarium-153 or "Quadramet" that Grace mentioned) that we are investigating could help with the bone pain. I am able to teach my course that starts March 29. I am able to do the associate chair duties for the psychology department during the spring quarter. (I was going to serve as the associate chair during this past academic year, and I was really looking forward to working with our chair and my friend Larry Symons.) I am able to help Grace, Lynn, and my mom with taking care of Miles and Seth. We'll see. It's possible.
Kristi and Mark had Grace, Miles, and me (my mom went to yoga) over last night for dinner and to watch the Washington-Georgia basketball game, which Washington won in a close, hard-fought game. Yay! Go Huskies! Thanks Kristi and Mark! Washington plays basketball powerhouse North Carolina (my friend Lindsay's alma mater) tomorrow in what should be an entertaining game if the Huskies can keep it close.
This morning was Swedish pancake breakfast at the Sons of Norway Hall. At our table were Grace, Miles, Lynn, Seth, my mom, me, and our neighbors and friends Gene and Jane. At another table were our friends John and Julie, their baby Xavier, son Callum, and some of John's family, as well as our friend Troy. Afterward Gene, Jane, my mom, and Seth went to an estate sale, where my mom and Seth bought some fossils and ancient Roman artifacts, which they are currently researching on the Internet and cataloguing.
Ethan
The past few days have not been great - lazy, low-energy days. I'm not in any great discomfort, just really tired all the time. I sleep most of the day, then most of the night, but I never really feel rested. I'm trying to take my therapist's advice and not stress about it too much. But I'm not sure whether it's better to relax and wait for energy to come or to try to make energy by forcing myself to be active even when I don't feel like it.
So here is what I hope happens next. The chemo fatigue lifts. That often takes 3-4 weeks, and I'm still in my second week after chemo (it seems like longer). The bone pain stays under control. The radiopharmaceutical treatment (the Samarium-153 or "Quadramet" that Grace mentioned) that we are investigating could help with the bone pain. I am able to teach my course that starts March 29. I am able to do the associate chair duties for the psychology department during the spring quarter. (I was going to serve as the associate chair during this past academic year, and I was really looking forward to working with our chair and my friend Larry Symons.) I am able to help Grace, Lynn, and my mom with taking care of Miles and Seth. We'll see. It's possible.
Kristi and Mark had Grace, Miles, and me (my mom went to yoga) over last night for dinner and to watch the Washington-Georgia basketball game, which Washington won in a close, hard-fought game. Yay! Go Huskies! Thanks Kristi and Mark! Washington plays basketball powerhouse North Carolina (my friend Lindsay's alma mater) tomorrow in what should be an entertaining game if the Huskies can keep it close.
This morning was Swedish pancake breakfast at the Sons of Norway Hall. At our table were Grace, Miles, Lynn, Seth, my mom, me, and our neighbors and friends Gene and Jane. At another table were our friends John and Julie, their baby Xavier, son Callum, and some of John's family, as well as our friend Troy. Afterward Gene, Jane, my mom, and Seth went to an estate sale, where my mom and Seth bought some fossils and ancient Roman artifacts, which they are currently researching on the Internet and cataloguing.
Ethan
Friday, March 18, 2011
Great pic
My childhood friend Jon Lauck sent me this picture of myself, himself, his sister Molly, and my sister Rachel. The Laucks are perhaps our earliest family friends. This picture was taken at one of the natural water slides that we used to go to. I like seeing the resemblance between myself then and Seth now, although I am a little older in this picture than Seth is now.
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