I had a strange sensation while driving the other day that the world outside the windshield was not real, but a projection like a movie on a screen, or a dream, and that if I crashed into something there would be no real consequences. I also felt like I should be able to skip or fast-forward through this part of the movie, because it was pretty boring. The feeling passed, but I wonder if anyone knows what I am talking about.
When I think about dying, I sometimes feel a sense of vertigo and pointlessness that reminds me of adolescence, when I (like many people) would think about how I am just a tiny speck in the vast sea of space, inhabiting an infinitesimal eyeblink of time. Given that everything on earth will eventually die, what does anything matter?
But it does matter, I believe. It's just a matter of viewing things at the right scale. Not too big, not too small, not too far into the future. At the scale of human beings and our lives, joy and pain do matter. Choices that lead to one or the other, for ourselves or others, are real and important. Maybe that's obvious, but when you're facing mortality, it's good to be reminded.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Basketball
I was tired this morning and lay on the futon in the play room upstairs for a while. But I often feel better if I play basketball, so I got up and biked to the university and played two games of full court (went 2-0). I liked my team: Max, Ben, Green, and Lee - all positive encouraging team players. I felt like our team played better than the sum of its parts. I had a couple of plays that felt good - my favorite was a turnaround jump hook bank shot from the baseline. But I also had some pretty lame plays. I'm so slow to jump now. A quick second jump used to be one of my strengths, but not lately.
Afterward I went to my office and worked on the book review that I am writing. It was nice to be in the office and get some writing done.
Ethan
Afterward I went to my office and worked on the book review that I am writing. It was nice to be in the office and get some writing done.
Ethan
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
No Jinx!
I would like to thank all the folks who have encouraged me to keep blogging. A number of people have let me know that they appreciate this blog. It makes me feel good to know that people care - thanks!
Fun Monday night. We had friends over, including some other New England expats, for a potluck dinner and to watch the New England Patriots beat down their rival New York Jets (45-3!). Our group had 8 young boys (and no girls - is Lake Whatcom water hazardous to X-carrying sperm?), which made for a little chaos but a lot of fun.
Today Grace, my mom, and I drove down to Seattle to meet with my second-opinion oncologist Dr. Whiting. We had lunch at Grace's parents' house - a delicious Taiwanese feast prepared by Grace's mom, who is an amazing cook as well as one of the world's sweetest people. It was nice to see Grace's parents, who recently returned from a family reunion in Taiwan.
The meeting with Dr. Whiting was fine. No real news. He agreed with our current plan to continue the FOLFIRI + Avastin + Zometa chemo combo for as long as it seems to be working and I can tolerate the side effects.
Speaking of which, I'm hesitant to say this for fear of jinxing myself, but this round of chemo has gone remarkably well so far (knock on wood!). Energy has been good, appetite has been good. Side effects have been minor (nosebleeds, some acne). I still have some soreness in my bones, but not too bad.
Most importantly, this has allowed me to spend some quality time with my kids, such as last Saturday with Seth. In fact, I had a great moment the other day where I realized that I had not thought about my physical condition in a little while - I had just been doing things, without constantly monitoring how my body was feeling and responding. It reminded me of my pre-illness life, when I took my health for granted. What a blessing it was to not have to think about my health. I'm so sick of thinking about it now.
Over the past few days, as I've been feeling relatively good, I've had some moments of hope for a longer-term future. They feel like glimpses of blue sky after weeks of overcast weather. Through these holes in the clouds I see Grace and myself older, together, laughing about that crazy time when I was so sick. I see myself going back to work. I see my sons as young men, proud, upright. The feeling is rapturous, but fleeting. The clouds come together again.
What if I did get better, at least for a while? Would I feel a little guilty, in a weird way, after making such a big deal about dying? I suspect my friends and family would forgive me. :-)
Ethan
Fun Monday night. We had friends over, including some other New England expats, for a potluck dinner and to watch the New England Patriots beat down their rival New York Jets (45-3!). Our group had 8 young boys (and no girls - is Lake Whatcom water hazardous to X-carrying sperm?), which made for a little chaos but a lot of fun.
Today Grace, my mom, and I drove down to Seattle to meet with my second-opinion oncologist Dr. Whiting. We had lunch at Grace's parents' house - a delicious Taiwanese feast prepared by Grace's mom, who is an amazing cook as well as one of the world's sweetest people. It was nice to see Grace's parents, who recently returned from a family reunion in Taiwan.
The meeting with Dr. Whiting was fine. No real news. He agreed with our current plan to continue the FOLFIRI + Avastin + Zometa chemo combo for as long as it seems to be working and I can tolerate the side effects.
Speaking of which, I'm hesitant to say this for fear of jinxing myself, but this round of chemo has gone remarkably well so far (knock on wood!). Energy has been good, appetite has been good. Side effects have been minor (nosebleeds, some acne). I still have some soreness in my bones, but not too bad.
Most importantly, this has allowed me to spend some quality time with my kids, such as last Saturday with Seth. In fact, I had a great moment the other day where I realized that I had not thought about my physical condition in a little while - I had just been doing things, without constantly monitoring how my body was feeling and responding. It reminded me of my pre-illness life, when I took my health for granted. What a blessing it was to not have to think about my health. I'm so sick of thinking about it now.
Over the past few days, as I've been feeling relatively good, I've had some moments of hope for a longer-term future. They feel like glimpses of blue sky after weeks of overcast weather. Through these holes in the clouds I see Grace and myself older, together, laughing about that crazy time when I was so sick. I see myself going back to work. I see my sons as young men, proud, upright. The feeling is rapturous, but fleeting. The clouds come together again.
What if I did get better, at least for a while? Would I feel a little guilty, in a weird way, after making such a big deal about dying? I suspect my friends and family would forgive me. :-)
Ethan
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Daddy Day
I spent all Saturday with Seth and it was great. In the morning Seth, my mom, and I went to a science talk for kids at WWU about volcanoes by a professor in the geology department. She was a fun and enthusiastic speaker and after the talk we went outside where she demonstrated the principle of escaping gas bubbles by using liquid nitrogen to blow apart a garbage can full of water - pretty excellent!
After that we stopped by the holiday festival at the ferry terminal and saw the gingerbread house competition for charity (and also the Jantzen family). Over to the farmers market, where we had lunch (Indian food) and watched the always-entertaining Jules the Juggler. Up to the Pel'meni place on State St so my mom could try the Russian dumplings (she approved). Over to Mallard Ice Cream for cones and some pints to take home. Home to catch the end of the Duke-Butler basketball game (Duke won, with Eric and his Duke buddies in attendance). Gene came over and hung out with my mom, Seth, and me - sharing wine, cheese, and stories.
In the evening Grace, Miles, Seth, my mom, and I went over to our friends Kristi and Mark's house to have dinner with them and Mark's daughters Sara and Meaghan and to watch the Apple Cup (annual rivalry game between the University of Washington Huskies and the Washington State Cougars football teams). Mark made delicious lasagna and apple pie (very appropriate). Huskies won, with local favorite son Jake Locker throwing the winning touchdown in the final minutes. Seth and Miles played with Legos. I wrestled, cuddled, and tickled with them on the couch, which felt really good. I love when kids are squealing "No, no, don't tickle me!" but rushing back for more.
Pics from Kristi and Mark's: http://remmel.shutterfly.com/2031
Seth slept at this house for the first time in while, which was really nice for me and I think for him as well. This morning Grace, Miles, Seth, and I walked down to Fairhaven and had a nice brunch at the Harris Ave Cafe.
Ethan
After that we stopped by the holiday festival at the ferry terminal and saw the gingerbread house competition for charity (and also the Jantzen family). Over to the farmers market, where we had lunch (Indian food) and watched the always-entertaining Jules the Juggler. Up to the Pel'meni place on State St so my mom could try the Russian dumplings (she approved). Over to Mallard Ice Cream for cones and some pints to take home. Home to catch the end of the Duke-Butler basketball game (Duke won, with Eric and his Duke buddies in attendance). Gene came over and hung out with my mom, Seth, and me - sharing wine, cheese, and stories.
In the evening Grace, Miles, Seth, my mom, and I went over to our friends Kristi and Mark's house to have dinner with them and Mark's daughters Sara and Meaghan and to watch the Apple Cup (annual rivalry game between the University of Washington Huskies and the Washington State Cougars football teams). Mark made delicious lasagna and apple pie (very appropriate). Huskies won, with local favorite son Jake Locker throwing the winning touchdown in the final minutes. Seth and Miles played with Legos. I wrestled, cuddled, and tickled with them on the couch, which felt really good. I love when kids are squealing "No, no, don't tickle me!" but rushing back for more.
Pics from Kristi and Mark's: http://remmel.shutterfly.com/2031
Seth slept at this house for the first time in while, which was really nice for me and I think for him as well. This morning Grace, Miles, Seth, and I walked down to Fairhaven and had a nice brunch at the Harris Ave Cafe.
Ethan
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Friday report
Another good day. More mellow, email, errands. Played poker in the evening, which was fun, even though I lost money. Good group of guys.
Planning to spend today with Seth, looking forward to that. Saturday as a "Daddy day," like it used to be. Would be nice to get back to that, more of a predictable schedule. Of course my health does not always cooperate predictably, but let's hope for the best!
Ethan
Planning to spend today with Seth, looking forward to that. Saturday as a "Daddy day," like it used to be. Would be nice to get back to that, more of a predictable schedule. Of course my health does not always cooperate predictably, but let's hope for the best!
Ethan
Friday, December 3, 2010
A good day
I had chemo Wednesday afternoon and am still carrying the chemo pump with its continuous infusion of poison through a tube into my chest port (the pump comes off this afternoon - yay!). I couldn't sleep hardly at all Wednesday night for some reason. And yet yesterday (Thursday) I felt the best physically and energy-wise that I have in I don't know how long - maybe even since I got sick. I don't understand it but I'll take it. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Grace and I dropped off Miles at his child care center and then had breakfast together at our favorite cafe, Avenue Bread & Cafe in Fairhaven. I took Seth up to WWU at noon to shoot hoops at Carver gym, which was fun for both of us. While there, I saw Tony Dominguez, associate head coach of the men's basketball team, and mentioned that we were planning to go their game that night. Tony generously offered to comp us four tickets to the game. Seth and I had lunch at the university (smoothies and Chinese food) and then I dropped him off with my mom and rushed back to campus to attend a meeting on the progress of the graduate students in the experimental program, which I advised until this spring, when I passed on that role to Kate McLean. It felt really good to do something in my professional context and to interact with my departmental colleagues, who are also friends. Picked up Grace from work and Miles from child care. Seth played Legos and computer games (Crazy Machines and TRS train simulator). Delicious dinner at home (thanks again Mom!) with Grace, Seth, Miles, and my mom.
After dinner Seth and I went to the men's basketball game at WWU (on the same court we had played on earlier). We met my friends Ben and Troy there. WWU beat Montana State-Billings 80-72. Seth enjoyed the game and all the little prizes they give out and contests they do (paper airplane toss, Bingo, etc.). After the game I dropped off Seth with Lynn and then Troy, Ben, Ben's girlfriend Marisa, and I went out to the Copper Hog gastropub downtown. After drinks and my second dinner there, Troy, Ben, and I continued the evening at Rumors, the local gay and lesbian club, which like so many such places is infiltrated by straight people because it's the best place to dance in town. We danced - it was 80s night, which was totally excellent - the music of my youth (e.g., Tiffany's "I Think We're Alone Now," which I thought was cheesy at the time but is fun to dance to now, "99 Luftballons," New Order, "Sweet Dreams Are Made of These," "Pour Some Sugar on Me," etc.). We also played air hockey - Troy won our round-robin tournament and I finished last - clearly I haven't been spending enough time in bars. Home around 1 AM (late for me!). I feel a little tired today, but not bad.
A good day, no qualifiers needed.
Ethan
Grace and I dropped off Miles at his child care center and then had breakfast together at our favorite cafe, Avenue Bread & Cafe in Fairhaven. I took Seth up to WWU at noon to shoot hoops at Carver gym, which was fun for both of us. While there, I saw Tony Dominguez, associate head coach of the men's basketball team, and mentioned that we were planning to go their game that night. Tony generously offered to comp us four tickets to the game. Seth and I had lunch at the university (smoothies and Chinese food) and then I dropped him off with my mom and rushed back to campus to attend a meeting on the progress of the graduate students in the experimental program, which I advised until this spring, when I passed on that role to Kate McLean. It felt really good to do something in my professional context and to interact with my departmental colleagues, who are also friends. Picked up Grace from work and Miles from child care. Seth played Legos and computer games (Crazy Machines and TRS train simulator). Delicious dinner at home (thanks again Mom!) with Grace, Seth, Miles, and my mom.
After dinner Seth and I went to the men's basketball game at WWU (on the same court we had played on earlier). We met my friends Ben and Troy there. WWU beat Montana State-Billings 80-72. Seth enjoyed the game and all the little prizes they give out and contests they do (paper airplane toss, Bingo, etc.). After the game I dropped off Seth with Lynn and then Troy, Ben, Ben's girlfriend Marisa, and I went out to the Copper Hog gastropub downtown. After drinks and my second dinner there, Troy, Ben, and I continued the evening at Rumors, the local gay and lesbian club, which like so many such places is infiltrated by straight people because it's the best place to dance in town. We danced - it was 80s night, which was totally excellent - the music of my youth (e.g., Tiffany's "I Think We're Alone Now," which I thought was cheesy at the time but is fun to dance to now, "99 Luftballons," New Order, "Sweet Dreams Are Made of These," "Pour Some Sugar on Me," etc.). We also played air hockey - Troy won our round-robin tournament and I finished last - clearly I haven't been spending enough time in bars. Home around 1 AM (late for me!). I feel a little tired today, but not bad.
A good day, no qualifiers needed.
Ethan
Thursday, December 2, 2010
100th Post
I just noticed that this is my 100th blog post. Seems like a lot. I feel a little self-centered writing a blog all about me, but a lot of people have let me know that they appreciate the updates, so I plan to keep doing it. I think it's therapeutic for me too. And it will provide a record of this time if later my sons want to know what it was like.
I had chemo this afternoon but I actually feel surprisingly OK right now. The yucky side effects often take a little while to kick in. My mom made a yummy dinner for us (her, me, Grace, Miles, Seth, and John Rybczyk). John came over to watch the Duke-Michigan State basketball game (Duke won by 5). John went to Michigan State and I was rooting for Duke due to my friend Eric. Seth and Miles were happily playing paper airplanes while John and I were watching the game. For dessert we had Mallard ice cream with dark chocolate sea salt caramel sauce that I brought Grace from North Carolina (although the product is from Maine - Stonewall Kitchen). After the game, Eric and I had some good phone time breaking down the game and generally geeking out about basketball. We didn't hang up until 10 PM here, which is 1 AM there.
Sarah forwarded me a great cell phone photo from my visit to San Francisco. We are at Sarah & JK's house (which feels like a second home to me) watching the Giants in the World Series (still hard to believe they won!). You can see Sarah, me, and Eric - the three original roommates at the 35 Coso house - which was one of the most fun times of my life - definitely the most fun as a single adult. This pic captures such a happy moment. I have it as the background on my laptop now.
I had chemo this afternoon but I actually feel surprisingly OK right now. The yucky side effects often take a little while to kick in. My mom made a yummy dinner for us (her, me, Grace, Miles, Seth, and John Rybczyk). John came over to watch the Duke-Michigan State basketball game (Duke won by 5). John went to Michigan State and I was rooting for Duke due to my friend Eric. Seth and Miles were happily playing paper airplanes while John and I were watching the game. For dessert we had Mallard ice cream with dark chocolate sea salt caramel sauce that I brought Grace from North Carolina (although the product is from Maine - Stonewall Kitchen). After the game, Eric and I had some good phone time breaking down the game and generally geeking out about basketball. We didn't hang up until 10 PM here, which is 1 AM there.
Sarah forwarded me a great cell phone photo from my visit to San Francisco. We are at Sarah & JK's house (which feels like a second home to me) watching the Giants in the World Series (still hard to believe they won!). You can see Sarah, me, and Eric - the three original roommates at the 35 Coso house - which was one of the most fun times of my life - definitely the most fun as a single adult. This pic captures such a happy moment. I have it as the background on my laptop now.
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